If you are currently in college or have difficultly recalling those days because it was so long ago, I'm sure that there are things you learned that you will never forget...even if you try...
Things I've Learned in College
1. No matter what school you attend, the student body still has only one goal: burn as many brain cells as possible with illegal substances. This applies to the following schools:
School 1: This is the school that you've always wanted to attend because you believed it would make all your dreams come true and therefore gave up partying in high school in order to get good enough grades to attend.
*Note: You got in, now feel free to work harder than you did in high school...for worse grades.*
School 2: You cried when you got this acceptance letter from The University of Wetakelosers because it was the only school you got into.
*Note: You will probably have more fun here than anywhere else because they clearly don't care how badly you do in school, and they don't really expect much.*
School 3: This is the school your parents went to and now you are attending because you feel an obligatory sense to "carry on tradition."
*Note: That tradition you feel such a strong urge to fulfill is you puking on the sidewalk after your first jungle juice party....just like you mom did 20 years ago (even though she will never admit it). That's school pride for ya.*
2. Everyone who tells you it is not smart to consume alcohol the night before a test is lying. The evil truth is that it is impossible to learn anything in one night, so don't bother trying. It is a much wiser decision to study two days before, get hammered the night before the test, boot, rally and then take your exam with a relaxed calm mind. Anyone who tells you differently has already figured this out and is trying to achieve a curve on the test. Do not fall for it.
3. If anything is on your dorm door/doorknob, do not go in. This rule applies, but is not limited to, socks on the handle, a tie on the handle, a cute note from your RA, plastic wrap, soda cans, or a voodoo doll of yourself stuck to the door with pins.
Socks and ties are obvious, even if you think they've been there awhile, don't take your chances...unless you have some sort of viewing agreement with your roommate.
Any sort of note from your RA is a lie. Even if it is sprinkled with, "You are suchhhh a good dormie!!!! Teehee!!! XOXO!!!" Do not be fooled, it is a lie. Your RA is probably in your room waiting to ambush you will fictitious violations which you have no hope of petitioning. RA's are a rare breed that derive energy from sucking the life and soul from college students. They are not actually human. Avoid contact at all costs.
Plastic wrap and soda cans are all signs of some sort of merciless prank. At this point you have probably made the stupid mistake of studying in the library and have thus left your living space a viable war ground which will no doubt lead to the death/disappearance of your possessions. Do not be tricked into thinking that a locked door will stop a bored college student.
If you happen to find a voodoo doll pinned to your door, you have bigger problems than those listed above. I suggest finding some sort of counter hex as soon as possible.
4. C's DO get degrees. No one cares about your college GPA, unless you consistently fail underwater basket weaving. Other than that, you're fine. You may feel the same amount of accomplishment as any honors student at the end of those fours years because those pretty colorful cords worn at graduation that show how *awesome* you've been in college really don't mean jack in the real world. If they are for some reason, important to your parents, you may purchase them on ebay for much cheaper, and a whole lot less pain and agony. The graduation committee never notices anyway. When the announcer mentions your degree but looks confused at the rainbow around your neck, feel free to make up whatever strikes your fancy. After all, you've worked hard, you deserve to have a "Periwinkle" for "Excellence in Class Distractions."
25.5.11
Small Towns Make Terrible Terrorists
I was driving down the street in the small town I currently live in when I noticed something. Now, I don't know if you live in a small town or not, but when something, anything, happens, it is wise to take note since that will probably be only thing talked about for at least the next year and a half.
I paused momentarily (without causing any sort of driving hazard I might add) and peered down the street. After scouring the street for some type of action that warranted this hullabaloo I saw...nothing... except for the entirety of the the town's five law enforcement officers were gathered around a short stretch of the street next to a field. Throughout the day I kept wondering what was going on, after all, this was a big to-do. I found out that the police officers where not allowed to disclose the information about why exactly they had blocked that street and stood about it all day. My suspicions were aroused. I of course let my imagination get the best of me and assumed someone famous had been murdered. Later, I found out it was a bomb threat...needless to say, I was slightly disappointed.
This particular street is about a mile long and was no where near the university that this town was built around. So, besides the small, run down houses that probably would benefit from a bomb going off, the only thing near this street was a field filled with brown grass and rocks.
So, instead of threatening to bomb the large public university, filled with youthful students who will go on to become politicians and lawyers, a dead parcel of land and abandoned houses were the primary target for this bomber. The moral of the story? Small towns make terrible terrorists.
I paused momentarily (without causing any sort of driving hazard I might add) and peered down the street. After scouring the street for some type of action that warranted this hullabaloo I saw...nothing... except for the entirety of the the town's five law enforcement officers were gathered around a short stretch of the street next to a field. Throughout the day I kept wondering what was going on, after all, this was a big to-do. I found out that the police officers where not allowed to disclose the information about why exactly they had blocked that street and stood about it all day. My suspicions were aroused. I of course let my imagination get the best of me and assumed someone famous had been murdered. Later, I found out it was a bomb threat...needless to say, I was slightly disappointed.
This particular street is about a mile long and was no where near the university that this town was built around. So, besides the small, run down houses that probably would benefit from a bomb going off, the only thing near this street was a field filled with brown grass and rocks.
So, instead of threatening to bomb the large public university, filled with youthful students who will go on to become politicians and lawyers, a dead parcel of land and abandoned houses were the primary target for this bomber. The moral of the story? Small towns make terrible terrorists.
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